While I have recently become quite fond of Taylor Swift’s ode to relationships and self-awareness (blame my new roomie) this post has nothing to do with the song about long lists of Starbuck’s lovers.
Half of my last post, if I’m being completely honest, was typed up almost a week and a half ago. I just never made it past saving the draft. I was glad I waited on it when I got cast in the music video last week. It only added to the experience. But, almost as soon as I posted about my sudden confidence boost I became increasingly aware of a different emotional state setting in. For lack of a better word, I’m calling it blank space.
I’m sure it’s completely normal. I’ve read about it happening in a number of situations, many like my own where a big change is about to happen. Relationships are changing. Distance and removal from everything familiar. Challenges ahead. The unknown. Aliens?
I’ve been trying to spend time with as many friends and family as possible before the move. And I’ve gotten a lot of love and support from all around me, which is incredibly awesome. But I can’t help feeling this blankness when it comes to saying goodbyes, moments that would normally be highly emotional. I’m not crying, I’m not panicking, I’m not being completely reckless or irresponsible or lashing out. I just…am.
I think this temporary shut down of waterworks and extreme emotions is a coping mechanism. If I over-think it, I might get scared or overwhelmed. That’s because this is overwhelming. I have to try really hard not to stress out. Worrying solves exactly 0% of anything. It’s like any moment I could tip over into a flood of feels. I probably will when it comes time to leave. but damn it’s weird right now. It’s just surreal. The end of one thing is imminent, so is the beginning of another.
This is probably just the calm before the storm.
Five more days.